I was scrolling through Instagram early one morning and saw a post about International Women’s Day and it said, “She needed a hero, so that’s what she became” (source unknown). This really made me pause and think. My mom died in December of 2018. She was my hero, my best friend, my confidant, and problem solver. The grief was overwhelming. I am a mom to two amazing children and have never really felt like a hero. Problem solver? Yes. Hero? No. Just after my mom died I thought, how am I supposed to do this life without her? Who will I call? Whose advice can I trust? Who is going to love me the way she did? What will I do?
One morning, it hit me. I am “the hero” now. I am the one I need to rely on and turn to. My mom taught me everything she knew. She passed her superpowers on to me, without me even knowing it. She is in every fiber of my being in a way that I can’t even explain.
If Only…
Sometimes I find myself talking out loud to her as if she can still hear me and I can hear her answer in my head. I get choked up just thinking about it because I wish I could actually hear her again, even just once. I wish I had a book with all her wisdom in it; a journal with her deepest thoughts, but, I have my memories. Her love is always in my heart and with that, I know that I can do anything. I will take this lesson and create something for my children so that they will know my thoughts and acquired wisdom. I write letters to them in a notebook and create scrapbooks to help remember all the precious memories.
Taking care of my mom through her battle with glioblastoma was one of the most challenging things I have ever done for so many reasons. If you have ever been a caregiver of a terminally ill parent or other loved one, you know. You know the worry, exhaustion, stress, and fear. I often wondered if I was doing enough, making the right decisions. I felt very alone. But every single day I got out of bed and gave it my all. It wasn’t “easy” but it wasn’t impossible either. My love for my mom was the most powerful driving force. I knew that she needed me. It helped pull me through exhaustion, fear, worry and the deepest sadness. That drive is what made it easier to handle my grief.
Saying goodbye
At the very end, when we knew Mom’s time was near, I stepped out to give my sister some private time with her. When I heard her leave the room, I paused for a moment. What should I do? Can I really face this? Nobody else is staying. I have never watched someone die before. It didn’t take long though and I knew exactly what to do. I needed to be by her side. I needed to tell her that I was there and that I loved her and that everything would be alright, just like I had almost every day for the past 7 months. I told her that we would all be alright, the grandkids would be alright, and we would tell them all the amazing stories of her life. We would keep her love alive.
I can’t guarantee that she heard me as she was on all kinds of pain medications but, she slipped peacefully away in my arms. I know that she felt my love and I can only hope it eased her transition. I knew in the moments that passed, as we waited for people to arrive, my life was changed forever in the most profound way. I felt so separated from the entire room, watching but not really there. A shadow of my usual bubbly self. The grief was like waves crashing relentlessly into me.
When I gave the eulogy at her funeral, people couldn’t understand how I could do it. How can you get up there and not lose it? My answer was that someone had to do it justice. I felt like I was the right person to show the world how loved my mom was by attempting to find the right words to convey what an amazing person she was. I wish I had more time to write it with a clearer mind, but I did my best. I poured my heart out and left it all on that page. People afterward told me how beautiful it was and how accurately I portrayed my mom. That made me happy. To know that other people saw the incredible person that she was and loved her deeply as well was very comforting.
The Strength
When you lose a loved one, it can be easy to withdraw and avoid hard emotions. I get it. In my personal experience though I am so glad I faced the impossible and stared down the fear of losing my mom. In one of our conversations early on, I was trying to get her to share her feelings about everything that was happening. I said, you know it’s ok to cry or be mad. We can talk about it. I can handle it. I’m here for you. She said, of course, I’m sad and mad at times, but I can’t change this. I have to accept it and enjoy each day. Just when I thought I couldn’t be more impressed by this woman…she blew me away. Her grace. Her strength. She stayed positive, patient and helpful.
I have known for a long time how truly lucky I was to have the parents I did. They were supportive, kind and loving. I have trouble finding the words to describe them. They certainly were not perfect, nobody is, but they did their best every day. They didn’t take the easy way out and instilled values and a great work ethic in us. I can only hope that I can take the best of what they gave me and use it in raising my own children.
I’m not saying any of this is easy. I went through some very difficult times and very deep, scary grief. In fact, things got much worse after a month or two. I’m still not totally out of the woods and grief still shows itself. But it does get better. Keep doing the things mentioned in this article and seek out whatever help you need. Seeking help is not a weakness, it is true strength.
Take Care of You
If any of this resonates with you and the grief feels overwhelming, know that you are not alone. You are the hero now and you can do this. It may not feel like it now but you have the strength inside you to rise up and overcome any challenge. Find the people in your life who will listen to you, cry with you, and encourage you. Find inspirational books to read and podcasts to listen to. Eat well and exercise. Get out in nature. Walk. Breathe. Meditate. It will get better.
Give yourself time, grace, and love to heal. Your loved one is with you in your heart and will always be there to guide you. Remember, they taught you well. They have prepared you to become the hero of your story.
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